Saturday, July 31, 2010

Survived the sleep study

So my doctor wanted me to have one of those sleep studies done -- I think this is a rite of passage for all fat people. Skinny people be warned! If you get fat, people make fun of you AND you get to have this amazing experience.

Now I know a lot of you skinny people videotape yourselves having sex -- I have never broached that topic with Cindy for fear we would end up on the Discovery Channel as "Never before seen footage of the mating ritual of Harbor Seals!" When you get a sleep study done, they videotape you sleeping. Which weirded me out.

Anyway, if they notice that you stop breathing while you sleep, because the rolls of the fat in your neck close off your airway when you lay down, then they march into your room and fit you with this goofy-looking breathing machine that goes over your nose and forces air down your throat so the Egg McMuffin you had for breakfast that was added to your jowels doesn't choke you to death.

Last night I drove to Milwaukie, where they have a sleep lab. This very nice lady then explained to me how it works. Then I got to watch a marketing video by the people who make the CPAP Machines. Sure they explain the "disease" and then go on about how great their machines are. It's like watching an "educational" video about the new Mustang GT.

The technician was nice, and then started wiring me up. Bunch of sensors on my face, scalp, chest, legs and even behind my ears. Two belts across my chest and gut to monitor breathing, and then a heart monitor on my finger to measure blood oxygen levels. Lights out, now go to sleep.

So as I am laying there, I can hear the whirring of the camera gears as she moved it around. I couldn't get to sleep. Finally, when I did fall asleep she came on over the intercom "MR. JOHNSON, CAN YOU PLEASE SLEEP ON YOU BACK FOR 10 MINUTES?"

I nearly jumped out of my skin for two reasons. One, God was telling me how I should sleep (I was still asleep when thinking this so give me a break) and two, God was a woman, which means all men are going to Hell.

I was woken up again at around 3 a.m. and told that I didn't meet the threshold for needing to be hooked up to a CPAP Machine during the test. Good news. However, the salespeople, errr, sleep doctors might look at the study and determine I still need the machine.

I woke up at 6 a.m., had all the stuff taken off me, and then drove home. Where I discovered that taking a sleep tests means that they put the sensors on with tree sap. So now, in different areas of my body where the sensors were attached, it feels like I rubbed pine sap on my skin. So far today I am on my third shower. Most of the sap is gone, however, the glue behind my ears I can't seem to get rid of, and it is driving me crazy.

This week was nuts because I was in Ashland Monday and Tuesday, then slept in Milwaukie Friday night. What I need is a couple of nights home, in my own bed, and I think then I will feel good again.

Anyway, sorry for the complaining. Good news, but I am ready for a good night's sleep.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your story, I thought I was the only one suffering from the "God Complex" of the intercom. That was the worst part for me. Aside from the fact that I have very long hair and lots of "tree sap" (well put by the way) to get out still, it was awful knowing that I was being watched so intently. Not my favorite experience; I only slept a few hours but am so glad it's over.