Help! I'm drowning!

OK, remember the old bald guy on Baywatch that you never really noticed but was always there to keep the show "real."

He was my hero tonight.

The girls have been taking swimming lessons for the last three years and during lesson time there is a lap swim that you can do on another part of the pool. I have never tried it for fear of being harpooned.

Recently I have seen that wonderful show called "Whale Wars" where hippies, err, environmentalists, go to Antarctica to protect whales from the Japanese. South Park did an excellent job of showing the amazing work the Sea Shepherds do here: Whale Whores.

Tonight, I donned my board shorts (admit it you thought I was going to say Speedos) and hit the pool to see how I would do in the lap swim.

I raced to the pool from the shower area, afraid that someone was going to scream "OH MY GOD IT'S THE POLAR BEAR FROM LOST!!!"

I was trying to be inconspicuous, but once I got my girth into the pool, a small tsunami of "2012" proportions washed several small children in lessons out of the pool and onto the grass outside the Canby Swim Center. Once the warning sirens stopped, I got a kick board and started out for the other end of the pool.

I kicked.

I kicked some more.

I kicked even more.

I wasn't moving.

Finally, I gave up, pushed the blue board out of my way, and flailed my way to the other end of the pool, grabbing the attention of three lifeguards. When I finished splashing my way across the pool, I was met at the edge by three guys, all with a very concerned look on their faces.

"Sure you want to be in the deep end?" -- This one made me feel like my 2-year-old Lilly.

"You OK man?" -- This one looked around like he was looking for a crane to help lift me out of the pool like they used for Keiko.

"Try keeping your feet closer to the surface, use your core." -- This one obviously didn't see my core is filled with marshmallow filling.

I made it back to the other end of the pool without incident, but all three guys were keeping a watchful eye on me.

I popped up out of my swimming position and look at them, "Everything is going great! Haven't been harpooned yet."

They laughed, but I could still see they were concerned.

"You know, we have fins you can use," said the helpful one, who finally realized I had no core muscles.

"I need an outboard," was my reply, as I put the fins on my feet. I was sure water wings were going to be next.

Over the course of the next 30 minutes, I lost track of how many times I went back and forth.

All I know is that when I got out of the pool, my legs wouldn't work anymore. My arms were sore, and I was kind of dizzy. Funny, didn't even feel like I was working out.

I am writing this tonight because I can't move from my computer. My legs are jelly and Cindy is putting the girls to bed. Oh sure I have work to do, but the notepads are across the room, so I can't get to my notes.

Hopefully Cindy will finish soon so I can have some help getting up.

Important lesson learned today: the pool is safe, thanks to Sea Shepherd and Baywatch.

I think this could be the start of a new chapter in Operation: Fat Ass.

Stay tuned.

Pat