What I see, how I understand it

From the desk of a rural county Sheriff in Oregon:


Citizens of COVID County,

Over the last few weeks I have been asked repeatedly what my stance is on the new mandates coming down from Governor Brown. As you are all aware, we have seen a recent severe increase in COVID-19 cases and hospitalizations locally and across the state. Just like the beginning of this pandemic, Governor Brown continues to implement mandates in an effort to "slow the curve."

I know that you are all dying... to know what my stance is on COVID-19 mandates and restrictions. Let me be clear, I could say nothing, and let maskless people walking around our local cities be nervous when they see a deputy. Much like when we are doing paperwork in our cars along the highway and not doing traffic unless someone is doing 110 mph. Yes, that approach could help the situation, and maybe people -- not knowing what the fine or punishment is -- would wear masks to not find out.

So instead, I am going to state that we will NOT be helping the governor or public health officials with mandates about face coverings. It’s like when there is a fight and people are injured and we keep the firemen away for their own safety. It’s like that but the opposite.

We really don't like firefighters. So we have decided that this is really their problem. I mean, they always clean up our messes anyway, so this is a little bigger of a mess.

I can’t seem to go golfing with my Republican friends anymore without them bugging me about my stance on mask restrictions. So to get them off my back, I figured I would write this letter. And most of the voters in my county are Republican, so this really helps me politically.

Over the last several years we have seen a continual erosion of citizens' rights through various forms of legislation that have been promoted as "best for the common good." I am not going to give you any examples of this legislation, because frankly this is what my Republican friends told me to say. They saw it on Fox News.

These are trying times and my heart goes out to everyone who has been impacted by COVID 19. But just like those sad dog commercials on TV with the music, I'm not going to do anything about it.

Oh, that’s right, I need a paragraph about how my heart goes out to all the families who have been impacted by COVID-19.  Maybe I should throw “thoughts and prayers” in there too.

I almost forgot, the next time there are wildfires and we have to assist in enforcing burn bans, we aren’t going to do that either. Also, if there is an earthquake, you are on your own too -- especially if the Governor announces curfews or other actions that would help the situation.

Good luck out there -- enjoy the purge!

Going to bring this back from the dead!

Well, it's been awhile!

With all the news about social media and the fact that it is about as secure as this open to the world blog, I figured why am I giving Facebook all the traffic? I may as well bring this back to life.

So my plan, right now, is to use the blog to update people on what's going on with the kids and my life as it sits today. That might change if another social media app comes along that I feel better about.

Here we go again!

Owls at Veritas First Grade

Owls at Veritas First Grade, a set on Flickr.

Photos of owls at Violet's first grade class.

Lilly Legos

Violet dances with nutcracker

Happy Holidays from Violet

Violet is getting so big! She can read books by herself now and her drawings get better every day. Don't tell anyone, but I think she is better at math than I am now.

Hope you all are having a great pre-Christmas season. One week left.

Pat

Hark! The Herald Angel throws down.

Lilly as an angel. Look at the 30-second mark for the left jab to the jaw. Couple of observations:

1. You can hear Cindy giggle.

2. Lilly was hogging the mike.

3. We need to work on Lilly's left jab. Need some more bag work.

4. Who's bright idea was it to dress Lilly as an angel? I mean really?

5. If you commit a sin, dressed as an Angel, what does that mean spiritually speaking?

Pumpkin patch

We headed out to Canby's Flower Farmer yesterday. What a blast! We got a train ride, pumpkins, caramel kettle corn and pumpkins.

This is Violet doing her scary face, and Lilly sticking her tongue out (like she does for all pictures these days). I am convinced Lilly thinks she is Scooby-Doo.

Tongue

Strike a pose!

Splash!

Splash ii

Disneyland!

Fabulous Fourth!

Fabulous!, originally uploaded by Canby Chacal.

We are having a blast playing the sprinklers, watching the General Canby Day Parade and later tonight it's fireworks!

lillys half birthday

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Ewwwww ladybugs.

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ladybugs!

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Proof

There has been some question about my last blog post. Here is the proof.

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Rejected column

The folks at the paper thought this would be too controversial to run, so I was given permission to post it here. Just an observation...

Watch out for Speed Hump

Him. Her. Me.

Very innocuous words but when painted onto Southeast 13^th Avenue, they suddenly are Canby’s most wanted words.

There is a war going on the busy south side street, with battles that happen on a regular basis and instead of gunshots, involve the steady hissing of spray paint.

The battlefield is a “speed hump” that was installed in front of Ackerman Middle School. I’m not sure when the traffic calming device was installed – it’s been at least a year if not two – but ever since my trips across town have become increasingly more entertaining.

OK yes, my wife has long used my giggling at the “Speed Hump” sign as further evidence I have the psyche of a 12-year-old boy hopped up on Reese’s Pieces and Red Bull. The charges are hard to fight when I do have a Star Wars action figure collection, play Xbox regularly and still read comic books. But I digress.

Now, some might think the yellow “Speed Hump” sign, might be enough (I really want to make an immature joke here, like “that’s what she said,” or “I need one of these signs for my bedroom” but my editor won’t let me). However, I have witnessed firsthand, drivers who are eating, doing their hair, texting and putting on makeup, literally launch their cars into the stratosphere after missing the bright yellow sign and hitting the hump (giggle) at full speed. Which, as we all know, is 40 miles per hour in a school zone when children, and police, aren’t present.

Of course what was needed were huge white capital letters painted on the street that say “HUMP SLOW.”

That’s exactly what the city did to help drivers realize they were approaching a jump ramp which would make Ken Block, or even Evel Knievel, nervous.

One problem, the hump is in front of a middle school.

In a quirky twist of fate, the Federal Highway Administration has a “Manual on Uniform Traffic Control Devices” and I am sure somewhere in this book, there are guidelines for traffic warnings painted on streets. In the rules, I am sure the amount of space between words, is clearly delineated. Which in this case, leaves just enough space between the words “HUMP” and “SLOW” that students, who are still learning the power of objective personal pronouns, spray paint “him,” “her,” and my favorite “me” in between two large all-caps message.

This is causing a bit of a hump in the road.

In response to this act of vandalism and sex education, city workers have regularly gone out with black paint and covered over the problematic pronouns.

So each couple of weeks someone with my sense of humor, goes out and completes the sentence, and city workers edit it. Over the course of the year, it has happened so much, that if you slow down, you can read in black paint, the message the city doesn’t want you to read. Having you hump at the correct speed which was the point of the sign in the first place.

I am waiting for the battles to escalate, and for city crews to put up cameras around the hump to catch the carnal-advising criminals.

Until then, however, I will continue to HUMP (him, her, me) SLOW and I hope you will too.

Lilly freezing at park

Again, 30 minutes of running, then hot coco.

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